It is amazing to me how fast your life can change in one moment. Yesterday I was subbing at Blaine High School. The lesson plans were as follows: 1st hour watch JUNO, 2nd hour watch DAVE, 3rd hour from 11:26am-1:00PM lunch and prep and 4th hour watch DAVE. It was going to be an easy day. It started out as a great day and I decided to leave campus at lunch to go get Subway instead of buying the school lunch. (spicy chicken nuggets, yuck)
At lunch, I had a great conversation with Benjy while he was driving to an apt. South of the cities. We talked about names for the baby and he said, "Can you believe we are going to have another little one around?" We hung up and I went inside to get ready for my last class.
I went to the restroom and realized immediately that I was spotting, a little more than spotting. In that second I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I told the secretary that I needed to leave from behind overwhelming tears and she sympathetically nodded and told me to leave and not worry about it.
I called Benjy, sobbing and told him I was so scared and that I was leaving to go to the doctor. He canceled his appointment and told me he would meet me there.
I kept praying, talking and pleading with my Heavenly Father to give me strength, peace and faith and to please let the baby be okay. I called my Mom and Amanda on the way and cried and cried and cried. I felt so helpless and desperate in that moment.
While I was waiting by myself for the doctor to come in, I felt the need to pull it together emotionally and to prepare myself for whatever happened next. I was just trying to push out every ounce of panic and realize that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that I can trust in whatever that plan is. I knew I wasn't alone and that no matter what happened, everything would be okay, and I just knew that when I saw Kaydree and Karsyn later I would hug them that much tighter and focus on the blessings I have already been given!
Just as I felt that I had pulled it together, Benjy walked in and hugged me and I let it all out and sobbed, again. It was so emotionally overwhelming for me to feel so safe and loved in his arms. I just knew that together we could handle whatever came next. I knew that with him by my side I would be okay. He is always so strong where I am weak!
The doctor did an exam and said it looked good but said that he needed to do an ultrasound to make sure.
As I lay there waiting for him to tell me what he saw, Benjy was standing behind him and nodded and smiled at me and then he turned on the sound and there was the heart beat. Again, I cried tears of JOY and RELIEF. The baby was moving all around and Benjy said it even waved at him and that he saw it's little hand open and close!
The doctor told us that we weren't out of the woods yet, that with my thin uterine wall the placenta could be having attachment issues and that I needed to limit all unnecessary activity. He said don't do jumping jacks, hike up a hill, go for a run or anything strenuous.
I had similar issues with Kaydree and Karsyn's pregnancies (a little different) so Benjy said, "We have been down this road before. We know how to do this."
Benjy gave me a blessing last night and it brought me so much comfort. I am taking it easy and realizing that there really aren't any guarantees that everything is going to turn out the way we want.
I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that is aware of us, a loving and supportive husband, two beautiful girls, supportive family and friends that love and care about us and that in the end we find the faith to see us through whatever his plan is for us!
Here is the ultrasound picture from yesterday, I keep looking at it and praying that this little one keeps growing and that my body will be able to support and sustain it until it is ready to make a healthy entrance into this world!
It is amazing to me how much this little one is already a part of our family and how much it is already loved!
20 comments:
Just reading this blog and reliving yesterdays fears made me cry again. The prayers of many people are with you and Benjy and we all want to do what we can to help and make sure all goes well. If love and support can get you through this than we will come through with flying colors...
Kris~ I felt my own heart being ripped out of my chest as I was reading this post and by the end I felt relief even though you are not out of the woods yet. I will pray that your baby continues to grow and that you are able to carry him or her to full term. Hang in there and lay low........relax as much as you can! Love ya!
I love you Kristen....really I do. You are a strong, fantastic, wonderful mother weather the child is born or not. I'm praying for you and your little one. I know that no matter what, that little soul was given to you and Benjy. The child is always going to be a part of your family no matter what happens. I know that no one can gaurantee that everything will work out perfectly but I think its pretty safe to say that this baby is gonna give it everything its got. Now you just need to just focus on you!!!! Give 'em Hell!
p.s. is everyone home tonight??? I'm gonna bring dinner over. grilled pizza??
Kris, this post made me relive my experience with spotting, that didn't turn out as well as yours. We'll keep you in our prayers. You and Benji are wonderful and we hope the very best for your family.
Kris,
I will keep you in my prayers. You need to take it easy and things will be fine.
Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts.
Hey Kristen - Hope today is going better. Reading your post and getting the call from my mom just puts me to tears. I am not a good writer but I will try and make sense of all of my thoughts. We are so happy and grateful that you are pregnant because this is what you guys have been praying for and you are such great parents. I know it is in God's plan and we are just living it for him but it is tough. Oh the memories of when I lost Gavin just come back and the panic you feel, I know exactly. Just know that we are all saying prayers for you, this little life and the family. Maybe this is just a little reminder for you to take it easy and take care of yourself and this baby for the rest of the 9 months. Just call if you need anything. You have so many family and friends that are here for you if you need anything. Love Sam
Lots of love and prayers for you all. Think positive thoughts and keep your faith. Hugs***
You made tears well up in my eyes! I had a miscarriage once and I know how scary those "signs" can be. I hope all is okay- we are thinking about you guys!
Rest, Rest, Rest!! What a precious little pic, we love you and will continue to keep your both in our prayers!!
I'm so glad to hear that everything is going alright. Hope you can get some rest after that eventful day.
I echo the same thoughts. Thank you for sharing. I am praying for you and I hope you get lots of rest!
Amen to all the comments made. I'm remaining very optimistic for you. And praying too!
Kris..
My heart just fell when I started to read your post, but by the end I had tears of happiness for you! Do what the Dr. says.. relax and enjoy it.. You have waited so long for your 3rd little angel! I will keep praying for you that your pregnancy continues to go in the positive direction! I know how you feel when you say that the little baby is so much a part of your life.. Life itself is just truly amazing! Keep blogging.. Personal or not.. I love reading your Blog..
Kris - Our prayers are with you, your family and your little one inside. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.
I'll try and comment through the tears...Babies are such a blessing, our prayers are with you and your family. Please take it easy!!! After spending the day at Children's Hospital with our 4 day old grandson we were reminded once more how precious life is and how someone much greater than us is definately in charge of this life! Thanks for sharing.
We are so glad things are going well. You and your family are always in our prayers.
We'll be praying for you and baby Villarreal :o)
I too know that there is a plan for each of us and that a loving Heavenly Father watches over us and loves us. Follow the doctor's instructions. Let people wait on you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet family.
I am glad everything is ok, please let me know if there is anything you need.
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